My Mental Turmoil

Here’s a fair warning: this may get long and may not be worth your time. I’m writing this to vent and certainly not for viewership. After all, my site is a “diary”. I’m not doing well. If you look at me, robust and young, you wouldn’t say that. But I am really dying inside and wish it were happening outside too. Tuesday night, I was so depressed to the point that I wanted to call the suicide helpline but realised I’m too much of a coward to ever think of hurting myself physically. If there’s a painless way I know of, I’d choose that as it would make life better for me and everyone around.

Bit of a background story, that night I had a terrible fight with my mother about something I said. She was frustrated to the point that she’d be happy to disown me. This is not to sound self-sympathising. I know my faults and know hers too. But she cannot be blamed because she is extremely stressed about work and more stressed about my college. The uncertainty is making her mad. She can’t have a breather and is in a pathetic state. Knowing that, I should have held my tongue. But this girl here continued to make snide comments and passive aggressive statements in her usual fashion, adding fuel to the fire!

Sometimes (Almost always when I’m angry) I say things I don’t mean to. It’s not me saying it, but some dangerous villain that resides within. My tongue works before my brain and by the time my brain realises what my tongue has said, it’s too late because the damage has already been made! I understand why this is and know I’m not alone, as I’ve noticed this with my peers at school too, when they quarrel with teachers.

It all boils down to the science behind a teenage brain. Till about 25, the prefrontal cortex which controls one’s decision making ability and emotional control isn’t developed. Teens think with their amygdala, unlike adults. The amygdala is a more emotional part, gets impulsive very quickly and reacts to emotion with more emotion. Hence, the underdeveloped analytical part processes the damage late. I can feel the turbulence within me when someone raises their voice. I then end up shouting like a psychopath. Literally. I’ve wondered whether this is due to some underlying mental disorder or just my age.

As a result of the incident, I was left with guilt, feelings of worthlessness, existential crisis, shame and if you haven’t guessed by now, extreme depression.

I hate how people don’t understand depression well. Everyone thinks it’s sadness. It’s not. It’s in fact, nothing. It’s a numb feeling that makes you avoid any kind of pleasure and seems to have no end. You don’t want to be around people and don’t want to talk or even exist. I wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep and never wake up. To say that even a not-so-depressed me loves chocolate more than life is an understatement. But when my little brother ate Dairy milk silk in front of me, it did nothing to my senses! Not the smell of it, look of it or him relishing on it, which on a regular day would make me race and gulp it down. I’m appalled by this illness!

I spent the whole day yesterday with no expression in my face. I would have slept anywhere I could. I wanted to cry and scream my lungs out. But I’d cried enough the earlier night that my eyes were swollen and I had a terrible headache to deal with. Didn’t want more of that.

Teen depression differs from adult depression in that it is awfully downplayed. People ask me ”Why are you depressed?” or ”What’s the worry in your life?” and more annoying questions like ”You have everything at your disposal. How is it possible to be depressed?” See what I meant by people not being able to draw the line between sad and depressed? Depression needs no reason, bloody! It’s a state and not an emotion, unlike sadness. You do not know when it will end or if it will.

On top of all this, there’s so much uncertainty in my college admission as I stated before. I cleared the entrance exam to a wonderful private college and got in meritoriously. During the counselling, an AI selects what course you get for your rank. I got mechanical engineering but I wanted biotechnology. They said I could have it if we paid a substantially higher fee, to which my mother agreed because it’s been her life-long dream for me to receive the best higher education possible that she did not herself have. She is now a highly successful professional but behind her accomplishments lie a great deal of struggle, poverty and hardships. When we agreed to pay the extra amount, they agreed to give us the course. We were awaiting a call from them to know when we could proceed with the fee payment. But instead, we got a call saying I could not take that course because the seats were full, but that I could take any other course in the other campus of their institution, located in a different city. The other branch does not have the course I want. While we were still believing that I would be going to this institution, we declined counselling to another great institution in which I cleared the entrance exam!

Talk about failing one after the other! If I have to make it to any government institution, I have to get past a rigid caste-based reservation system which would totally work against me. I come from a ”higher caste” so a person of a ”lower caste” with the same or even a bit lower score than me would be chosen instead of me. When will they stop punishing us for our ancestors’ deeds?

If you’ve made it till here, I’m sorry I took so much of your time over nothing enriching. Thank you for getting here! Does any success story start like this? I hope… I want to stop feeling like a failure. I’m not proof-reading this draft and I’ll click the publish button right away because I just can’t care about quality now! Life looks all grey for no reason. No reason. I suddenly hate living. I’ll just be there in a corner believing ”This too shall pass.”

85 thoughts on “My Mental Turmoil

  1. You are a beautiful soul and I am so sorry to read that you are hurting but that is not your fault… all we can do is hope and work on ourselves. Life isn’t easy for us teens even though it looks like that sometimes. Anger truly makes us lose control and it can worsen our health to a level that we can’t recover from.
    I will hope and be here for you if you ever need to vent. I hope that you someday look back at these days and see how your success story started cause this too shall pass.
    I know it doesn’t look like that right now. Hope you feel better ❤️

    Liked by 5 people

    • Thank you sooo very much dearest Muskaan for this very very sweet and soothing comment. It means so much to me. Wish more people in real life were atleast half as empathetic as you. Thank you. Also, I’m not a beautiful soul when I’m out of control. I say such horrible things all of which led to this fight and eventually, this unpleasant state. Stay blessed! 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      • Dont thank me.. all I can do in this tough and tiring times is send you some hope and support ✨
        I am struggling with tough college and career decisions too. As for the temper part, I couldn’t relate more. I have lost control many a times and hurtful things have been said but do remember that asking for forgiveness and realising our faults is the way to go! ✨

        Liked by 3 people

  2. Hey there! Honestly this must be super stressful for you! I pray that you get through this strong.💕🤗 If you need mental health help then I think you should totally contact a professional, depression is real!♥️

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much, friend! That’d be a long process 😅 They’d expect me to talk, something I really don’t want to do right now. I’m actually a tad bit better now after I got to pour my heart out to someone. Anyway, thank you sooo much! 🙏🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. depression is depression..don’t let a clueless adult tell you otherwise..I’ve had it 51 years now. Somehow by the grace of God I manage to get through it. I do see a therapist once a month though. I do hope you seem some kind of help, suicide is never an answer.

    Liked by 5 people

    • Thank you very much! I won’t go overboard 😅 I’m too scared to harm myself. It’s good that you’ve managed with it so long and I’m glad you were able to navigate through it. Thanks again! 🙏☺️

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Sahana, this year has been really bad for all. Each of us are trying to cope up with their challenges in our own way. Sometimes due to lot of stress we say things we don’t mean.
    I can understand the feeling of void you are feeling right now. It will pass Sahana. Things will work out soon. Please be positive and make up with your mom 😊.
    Sending you lots of love and prayers. Take care and best wishes with your admission. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Ti leggo dall’Italia e ti rispondo sperando nel traduttore. Sei dolcissima e profonda, e anche molto giovane. Quello che attraversi è un dolore immenso, ma non devi pensare che sia tutto finito. La tristezza, la frustrazione, l’insoddisfazione sono emozioni che ci attraversano, accoglile, passeranno e lasceranno posto ad altro. Il senso di colpa invece lascialo andare. Rispondi come ti detta il tuo inconscio, sei spontanea, io sono come te. Imparerai a non ferire, pur essendo sincera, forza!

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Oh Sahana, sorry to know that you’ve been hurting. College admissions can be stressful. Add to it, the reservation business and it literally makes you go mad. I hope that this passes soon. One day, all these struggles will be rewarded. Hang in there, dear. I hope you’ve made up with your mother. I too lose my temper and end up saying things that I regret from time to time. But family will always stick with you through thick and thin. There will be a light at the end of this tunnel.

    Liked by 4 people

  7. I’m so sorry you feel this ways, and I’m really glad you found the courage to share it here. I hope thinks work out fine.
    Don’t be afraid to ask for help if this persists.
    And if apologizing to your Mom would make you feel better, you can do it.
    But whatever show yourself as.much love as you can. You’re a courageous beautiful person. Lots of support form here.❤️❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Sahana, I feel you. I feel everything you wrote here. I experienced it a year back and the trauma I went through without even letting someone else notice it was the most difficult part for me.
    I carried so much pain in the same period a year back, I needed a human to listen to me, I remember ranting about my admission to someone right in a comment section. After I got admitted to a University, I informed him personally about it.

    When my name was getting missed out in several lists broke me literally, I considered myself a hard-working person and these things shattered me. I started to think that I’m of no value.
    I didn’t get through the admission process of the colleges I wanted to make it to. I had a choice, I was offered the course I wanted, I got into a different University. But the regret of missing out on the Colleges I targeted will stay in my heart as long as I live.

    And today, I say to myself that I have to make the best out of where I’m studying currently. I have to work hard, stand out from the crowd and excel in all aspects.

    I wish the best for you, accept what comes in the way after a lot of research. Prioritise your goals and even if you’ve no choice other than barely accepting the offer, prepare yourself to accept and make sure you prove yourself.

    Lots of love,
    Your far away Sister ❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    • I study Psychology. I had seen so many people who misinterpret/ talk shit about depression. I loved your maturity in talking about it. Teen depression is exactly what you described about.
      Feel free to vent out to me, I’m all ears da❤

      Liked by 2 people

    • I really don’t know how I’m going to respond to this beautiful, sweetly long comment. Thank you sooo much, dear sis! This is an inspiring story. Knowing that this is very common is just very relieving. If this happened to someone as talented as yourself, I should learn to accept it too. Thank you sooo much! 🤍

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Thank you for writing about what must be such a difficult subject to talk about for you.
    I was a student of Psychology in college and even then it took me years to understand what depression truly is. And only because I wanted to know more. For most people though, the understanding is beyond their grasp because most of us have been taught to just smile through the pain.
    I do hope you speak to a counsellor. Even a single session can make a big difference, give you a new perspective, and just free you from storing it all in.
    Take care and best of luck for college!

    Liked by 4 people

  10. I’m so sorry you feel like this, Sahana. I’ve already read a multitude of beautiful comments and have nothing more to say except you’re not alone. ❤️

    I get how college admissions can be stressful and genuinely hope you are doing loads better now. Talking to someone or even recording your emotions and thoughts in a diary can help. Feel free to talk to me anytime you want!

    Hope you’re feeling better! ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  11. This isn’t an ending.You can beat this.
    You are not a failure, you are not worthless and you are definitely not alone. I know it feels like nothing matters right now but it does.The people who love and care for you matter, most importantly you matter Samsahana.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Thank you for sharing, Samsahana. I really sympathize with you and your situation at home. Don’t worry too much about your emotions and don’t feel too guilty about it. Just go to your mother and say you are sorry. She’s going to forgive you no matter what. I wonder if there are some way that you can explore to get into biotech, like a transfer later on. I know the very popular majors are usually super competitive and very hard to get in, unless one is willing to go to a lower tier college. It is so unfortunate that more opportunities are not available to more people. Sigh.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you sooo very much for your comfortingly sweet words, dearest friend! My mother and I have patched up. We always fight over petty things and we usually go back in a day or 2, depending on the intensity of the fight 😅 This was an intense one, so took about 2-3 days so it’s now alright. Biotech sadly still isn’t very popular in my country due to the infrastructural facilities here which need major upgrade. People don’t choose such modern courses because they have no scope whatsoever here, unless they do their masters abroad. Again, thank you so much for understanding. Glad to have you as a friend. 😉🤍🙏

      Like

  13. The angst in these words jumped out and bit me. But I must tell you, being aware of yourself, especially your weaknesses is a strength. I didn’t even know about the teenager/adult dichotomy when it comes to reacting to unfavorable situations. I know this must be a tough moment, with school and everything, but it’ll be fine. I’m not gonna go on a motivational spree 😄, but really, it’ll be fine.

    Also, you expressed depression incredibly well. It’s literally naught; it’s aimlessness; it’s uncertainty; it’s life draining and seemingly eternal. Sometimes, it’ll have to run its course, other times, we have to work extra hard to pick ourselves from it. You said something that deeply resonates with me, “realised I’m too much of a coward to ever think of hurting myself physically.”

    In the movie Cloud Atlas (2012), a young man, in his suicide note wrote “they say suicide is a cowardly act, on the contrary, it takes courage to end one’s life.” It instantly made sense, albeit in a non-conventional way. I, too, am a coward. 😄 In a better light, it only means that we possess the strength to keep living and to keep trying. They say our lives aren’t only for us, but for those around us, as well. That keeps me going when things get dark. So, don’t worry, dear Sam. You are not alone. 🖤

    Liked by 3 people

    • Your words are so sooo very soothing and refreshing, dearest friend! Thank you so much.
      Right? Suicide is far from a cowardly act. People get so judgemental about those who took their own lives but well, they did just end something very painful, something not all of us can do. Ofcourse I’m not saying suicide is a good idea, no one would ever say that, but it’s sad how people want to continue being judges to someone’s life even after they depart.
      Again, thank you soooo very much. Since you could resonate with some of the things I said, I really hope whatever it was that bruised you is no longer painful, but has only made you stronger. 😊 Thanks again, friend! Stay well! 🙏🤍

      Liked by 1 person

      • Judging others is the easiest thing we do as humans. Prejudices spring from inside us almost instantaneously when we encounter certain individuals and situations. It’s something upon which everyone needs to work. I’m definitely stronger, thank you, as you will be in a matter of time; that is, if you’re not already 😉. Stay safe. 🖤

        Liked by 1 person

  14. I admire your courage to share your struggles so openly Sahana. You’re not alone in saying things you regret – I can assure that continues to happen well after the age of 25! Depression is a difficult burden to bear – I lived with it for a decade. It wasn’t till I asked for help that things changed for me. Everything starts with radical acceptance for what is. Please know, you are never alone. I wish you well on your journey 🙏

    Liked by 2 people

  15. These are tough times. Take care of yourself and believe in yourself. Very few get the college they want…focus on the course you want. Joy and sorrow are cyclic and no one remains untouched. Cry if it makes you feel better, sleep whenever you can and believe me when I tell you most of us don’t even realise we are depressed. Sending you hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Oh it hurt me, to read your post Sahana! Pray and hope you’re in a better space now. Believe that this too shall pass…as everything does.This phase of teen years is invariably turbulent and nowadays moreso for girls because of the dramatic shifts in gender equations! Please don’t feel guilty that compounds it..feel remorse if you must but move on with resolve. Have you ever tried music therapy aroma therapy or meditation? Yoga? Playing a musical instrument? Learn something new now that will jolt you out of the depressive feelings..sending love and hugs💕

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you sooo very much for your very sympathetic, kind words. It’s been a while since I made this post and I’m much better now. There’s some clarity with my college too, so it’s less suffocating. Thank you so very much for your sweet comment. 🤍

      Like

  17. I’m sorry and I consider that all these situations should be treated very seriously. Yes, when we’re angry, no matter the age, we tend to speak nonsenses that we regret after…a tranquil discussion may help in that case! As for the school, don’t consider it a failure! A door may close but another may open! Be positive! Better and brighter days will come! 🌸🌼⭐️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so very much for your beautiful comment. There’s much better clarity regarding my higher studies now. Hopefully things pan out really well. Thank you so much once again! 😊🤍

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Dear Sam, I hope you are doing better already when am reading this post just now. This is the right place to vent out for your comment section proved it. ❤️❤️ This is just a phase of life, you still have a long way to go and the end is worth it! Sending you love and care my dear sister. You are an amazing soul. ❣️❣️❣️🤗🤗🤗💐

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you sooo very much, dearest Akka. You are a treasure here, really! 🤍 I’m doing much better now and there’s also some clarity (even if not entirely) regarding my college, so the apprehension is slightly better. Still, won’t be completely gone until I’m enrolled in a university and start attending classes. 🙂 Thank you dooo very much for your kind comment 🙏🤍

      Like

  19. I don’t know how I missed this post. You are a brilliant girl with so much intelligence and maturity. You know how brain functions, what is teen depression and how your mom had struggled in the life. Your post in itself is full of both pros and cons. But stress, anger are so natural, as today’s life is so complicated. I don’t understand the reservation business for which all parties come together forgetting all differences. Good thing is that you vent out your feelings. That was a bad time. Look forward. A bright future is waiting for you. Stay blessed 😊💐

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow wow that‘s such a warm, comforting comment. Thank you very very much for taking the time, sir. I really appreciate it 🙏 The reservation business isn’t helping who it really has to help. You were absolutely right in saying that parties put their differences aside to support the idea. Again, thanks a lot for understanding 🙏

      Liked by 1 person

  20. Oh my, I’ve been here, done all that. NO FUN… I am sincerely sorry you are feeling this way. My heart breaks for you. When I’ve heard “this too shall pass” and I have…a lot more than I’d care to admit, well, it makes me wanna scream at the top of my lungs! Dealing with this kind of pain that you are feeling. There are no “right” words to say, I’m afraid. 😔 But please take solace in the fact you are not alone in your feelings and you’re an incredibly gifted Reformer. Reformers always find a way. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanksss a lot, dearest pal! I’m doing so much better now 😁 Your comment warms my soul so much. It’s so sweet, endearing and empathetic. Thank you very much for reading my rant and taking the time to type those soothing words. Stay blessed 🙏

      Liked by 1 person

  21. Depression is very real and devastating to the mind. I am sorry to hear you are feeling so down. The feeling of hopelessness is overwhelming and living seems harder than dying. Don’t give in to those thoughts. Storms never last for ever. Life will change for the better as you get older. I have been there and know how you feel. Keep the relationship with your mother healthy. She needs you as much as you need her! Hang in there… tomorrow is a better day!
    Dwight

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Oh god, I wish I had read this post earlier but I only came to find out about you right now….you know just hold on! That’s all that’ll get you through. Things are hard right now, but they will always get better if you try…but you NEED to try and you need to have hope, that one day, it’ll all get better. Never give up on life, there’s so much to find in it once you start looking. I don’t know if this helps, but just hold on, okay? I hope you’re better now ❤. You’ll be fine, if not.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey, that is a very very sweet think to say! I’m touched. Such a lovely comment! I guess I owe you an update, I’m doing better now. That was a phase, an unpleasant one. Thank you sooo very much for reading and leaving such a supportive comment. You’re so kind. ☺️

      Liked by 1 person

  23. I’m sorry to hear about your depression: it’s a disease that isn’t very much recognizable externally, but it’s terribly ferocious. If blogging can be a way to share your pain, use it and maybe something will become lighter

    Liked by 1 person

  24. I’m so sorry to read that you’ve been struggling!
    Your feelings are valid. I think we do teens a huge disservice – we put so much pressure on teenagers with school, college, the mentality that so many aspects of their future are riding on these decisions, not to mention the confusing emotional and physical roller coaster of puberty and budding sexuality, etc., and then we discount all that pressure by telling teens “wait till you get to the real world” and other things that dismiss them. It’s incredibly sad, and it’s a huge disservice to teens who are struggling.
    I know this is an older post. I hope you’ve been able to get the help that you need. Thinking of you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  25. This was such a good post Sam! Especially the bit about saying things you don’t mean, and the bit about teen depression. It’s like people think we are bound to be happy just because we have ‘everything’! I am not saying that they didn’t/don’t have issues, I am just saying they don’t have to disparage ours!
    I hope you are doing well now!

    Like

    • What a sweeet comment! Thank you, I really appreciate it. This was long back and I don’t feel that way anymore. But we all have those days every now and then. Sending thanks and love 💖

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s