My Mental Turmoil

Here’s a fair warning: this may get long and may not be worth your time. I’m writing this to vent and certainly not for viewership. After all, my site is a “diary”. I’m not doing well. If you look at me, robust and young, you wouldn’t say that. But I am really dying inside and wish it were happening outside too. Tuesday night, I was so depressed to the point that I wanted to call the suicide helpline but realised I’m too much of a coward to ever think of hurting myself physically. If there’s a painless way I know of, I’d choose that as it would make life better for me and everyone around.

Bit of a background story, that night I had a terrible fight with my mother about something I said. She was frustrated to the point that she’d be happy to disown me. This is not to sound self-sympathising. I know my faults and know hers too. But she cannot be blamed because she is extremely stressed about work and more stressed about my college. The uncertainty is making her mad. She can’t have a breather and is in a pathetic state. Knowing that, I should have held my tongue. But this girl here continued to make snide comments and passive aggressive statements in her usual fashion, adding fuel to the fire!

Sometimes (Almost always when I’m angry) I say things I don’t mean to. It’s not me saying it, but some dangerous villain that resides within. My tongue works before my brain and by the time my brain realises what my tongue has said, it’s too late because the damage has already been made! I understand why this is and know I’m not alone, as I’ve noticed this with my peers at school too, when they quarrel with teachers.

It all boils down to the science behind a teenage brain. Till about 25, the prefrontal cortex which controls one’s decision making ability and emotional control isn’t developed. Teens think with their amygdala, unlike adults. The amygdala is a more emotional part, gets impulsive very quickly and reacts to emotion with more emotion. Hence, the underdeveloped analytical part processes the damage late. I can feel the turbulence within me when someone raises their voice. I then end up shouting like a psychopath. Literally. I’ve wondered whether this is due to some underlying mental disorder or just my age.

As a result of the incident, I was left with guilt, feelings of worthlessness, existential crisis, shame and if you haven’t guessed by now, extreme depression.

I hate how people don’t understand depression well. Everyone thinks it’s sadness. It’s not. It’s in fact, nothing. It’s a numb feeling that makes you avoid any kind of pleasure and seems to have no end. You don’t want to be around people and don’t want to talk or even exist. I wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep and never wake up. To say that even a not-so-depressed me loves chocolate more than life is an understatement. But when my little brother ate Dairy milk silk in front of me, it did nothing to my senses! Not the smell of it, look of it or him relishing on it, which on a regular day would make me race and gulp it down. I’m appalled by this illness!

I spent the whole day yesterday with no expression in my face. I would have slept anywhere I could. I wanted to cry and scream my lungs out. But I’d cried enough the earlier night that my eyes were swollen and I had a terrible headache to deal with. Didn’t want more of that.

Teen depression differs from adult depression in that it is awfully downplayed. People ask me ”Why are you depressed?” or ”What’s the worry in your life?” and more annoying questions like ”You have everything at your disposal. How is it possible to be depressed?” See what I meant by people not being able to draw the line between sad and depressed? Depression needs no reason, bloody! It’s a state and not an emotion, unlike sadness. You do not know when it will end or if it will.

On top of all this, there’s so much uncertainty in my college admission as I stated before. I cleared the entrance exam to a wonderful private college and got in meritoriously. During the counselling, an AI selects what course you get for your rank. I got mechanical engineering but I wanted biotechnology. They said I could have it if we paid a substantially higher fee, to which my mother agreed because it’s been her life-long dream for me to receive the best higher education possible that she did not herself have. She is now a highly successful professional but behind her accomplishments lie a great deal of struggle, poverty and hardships. When we agreed to pay the extra amount, they agreed to give us the course. We were awaiting a call from them to know when we could proceed with the fee payment. But instead, we got a call saying I could not take that course because the seats were full, but that I could take any other course in the other campus of their institution, located in a different city. The other branch does not have the course I want. While we were still believing that I would be going to this institution, we declined counselling to another great institution in which I cleared the entrance exam!

Talk about failing one after the other! If I have to make it to any government institution, I have to get past a rigid caste-based reservation system which would totally work against me. I come from a ”higher caste” so a person of a ”lower caste” with the same or even a bit lower score than me would be chosen instead of me. When will they stop punishing us for our ancestors’ deeds?

If you’ve made it till here, I’m sorry I took so much of your time over nothing enriching. Thank you for getting here! Does any success story start like this? I hope… I want to stop feeling like a failure. I’m not proof-reading this draft and I’ll click the publish button right away because I just can’t care about quality now! Life looks all grey for no reason. No reason. I suddenly hate living. I’ll just be there in a corner believing ”This too shall pass.”

July 29, 2021August 12, 2021 by SamSahana Categories: UncategorizedTags: Casual, Mental Health, Rant 85 Comments